Conspiracy Theories

Any conspiracy theorized about is a bad one. It has already proved itself incapable by being detected. I think I just broke the code of possibly the best conspiracy yet. It is the best because no one, I repeat, no one, up until now has ever thought such a thing would or could happen. Contrary to what you are all thinking, it was not developed by the likes of Brutus or Benedict. No, our adversary is much more invisible and insignificant then such flaunted figures. They disguise their intellect with pointed hats. They wear their bulbous beards with a dignity only the deepest of deceptive minds could devise. They are smart enough to leave a three toed track so as to fool the public into believing they belong in a cartoon. Who are these hideous enemies of humanity that manage to strut around like they are the sole inheritors of the earth, while 99.99999999 percent of the population proceed in ignorance? They would prefer to be known by their scientific name: Gallus gallus. Most of us know them by the name of: Chickens.



Another common occurrence with conspiracy theories is that the tenants of them are commonly thought of as obtuse; perhaps a bit naive in the matter of reality. But before you dismiss me as one of the same, please read on so as to make an educated and informed decision.



I observed the conspiracy this morning. Here is the setting: my family is gone, enjoying the sunny beaches of southern California. I had to stay behind due to an unexpected work schedule. This morning it was my duty to go outside and do all the chores. Feed the dogs, horse, water the garden, and then I remembered that I had forgotten the chickens. (Already a cause for suspicion.) As I entered the lair..uh...chicken house, the first thing to catch my eye was, well, a bunch of chickens. But then I saw them. The instrument that Gallus gallus would use to destroy humanity, starting with me: eggs. Eggs on the ground, eggs in the nest, eggs in the other nest, eggs in the OTHER nest. This should have given me enough clues to turn me into a a hound on a fresh scent, but I was more like a lazy Lab, and smelled nothing...besides the chickens. With their creepy yellow eyes, they all peered up at me like I was a gigantic chicken food pellet. But they didn’t use any force. No, their ways are far more subtle.



I brought the bucket of eggs (wretched things) into the house, and opened the fridge to find an empty egg carton. That was when the walls of naivety came crumbling down. There before my eyes were several egg cartons ALREADY FULL. I was forced to wash the eggs, place them in a bowl, and stuff them into the fridge. Don’t you see it now? Gallus gallus is launching an organized effort to fill our refrigerators with eggs, and nothing else. Of course, eggs are good, but if you have a nine course meal and it consists of fried eggs, boiled eggs, scrambled eggs, etc..., you have no choice but to peacefully give up the ghost. Their scheme is to systematically starve us by saturation. I must say, that is pretty clever.


One more note I must add. I mean no offense with this comment, and have absolutely nothing against women, so I say this completely objectively. I noticed that the protagonists of this conspiracy are all females. These female Gallus gallus must be unbelievably cruel because it seems most females have nurturing instincts. Female Gallus gallus must have the nurturing instincts of an ice cube. I mention all this as a caution. When an entire gender of a species unites with one purpose, watch out! (However, I did notice one male. It would be an easy case to prove him guilty by association.)



So there you have it. You thought that the Middle East was the greatest crisis in the world today, but you were wrong. Or were you? Isn’t a conspiracy theorized about, a bad one?


Concerned for your safety,


-Max


P.S. Always watchout for the creepy yellow eyes.